#1 Go Camping By Myself

We had left early from our camping trip and were driving home when I had finally written out my first bucket list.  The trip itself was meant to be one of self-discovery and something I had decided to do earlier in the week.  It was the summer in between semesters of college and I was working as a seasonal worker in the factory for the company my dad worked at.  (In fact, I was around the same age as many of the students I presented my SMART goals workshops to when I worked at Moraine.)  My recent breakup had caused me to question a number of different "facts" about the direction my life was going.  Truth was, I had been a passenger as my life moved forward without serious and critical input from me.  There were steps I was following because that was what I needed to do or what I was led to believe was the path I should be taking.  Really for the first time in my life, I found myself unsure of what my future was going to be like and what I should be doing.

In the tumult of my existential crisis, I realized that I wanted to go camping by myself.  I mean, why not?  My family had been doing it since I was four but it was always a together activity.  This would be an opportunity for me to completely rely on myself, getting back to nature and surviving on my own.  Okay, so it wasn't like I was in the movie Cast Away, but camping by myself would allow me to rely on the skills I learned from summer vacations spent at Devil's Lake State Park, as well as my years of Boy Scouts.  More importantly, going on my own would also allow me to free myself from distractions so I can finally figure out what I want to do with my life.

Unfortunately, my mother found out about my plan to go it alone for the weekend and she let me know how much she hated the idea.  She begged and pleaded with me to take my father along.  Eventually, I relented and agreed to bring my dad with me on the trip.  It came down to two things.  First, it would be nice to have a weekend, just me and my dad.  We used to have those weekends all the time when we would travel for hockey games in high school.  It had been a few years now and I missed them.  Second, it would be nice to share the driving responsibilities with someone.  As much as I was accustomed to long drives from the Upper Peninsula home, and then back again a few days later, I hated to doing it all by myself.  For me, the drive just seems so much longer when you have no one to talk to (or when you can't sleep through some of it).  Actually, camping alone would end up being much the same for me.

While it wasn't the solo experience I had planned, the trip with my father in college did allow me to do some soul-searching and help me come up with some great items for my bucket list.  As we took turns driving, we also took turns adding experiences to the list.  My dad knows me well so he helped me come up with a number of them.  I continue to have great conversations with my father about life and he has accompanied me on other meaningful trips in my adulthood.  I am very blessed to have both my parents as mentors through this journey, though.  My mother's concern and protection never wanes, and it was because of her that when I finally did go camping by myself, I was actually able to enjoy the trip.

Since it was the first thing I had on my life's to-do list, I was determined to complete it.  Six years had passed since my first attempt, but I found myself in a similar position in life.  My relationship at the time was ending, the one I thought I'd be in for the rest of my life.  Our summer vacation was supposed to be a week-long camping trip, but I would end up going alone.  It was going to be a great opportunity for me to get reacquainted with myself and maybe learn something new.  Finally, I would be able to demonstrate how I didn't need anyone and I would be able to take care of myself.

In completing this bucket list item I realized that I never want to do it again.  Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I did it, and I would do it all over if I had to.  But after a few days I found myself bored.  I was able to hike as much as I wanted, see new trails at the park I hadn't been on before.  I cooked what I wanted, when I wanted, if I wanted.  I built fires and had time to think about my life's questions while being able to look at the stars.  It was awesome.  But I can do those things with others as well.  While I was there, I soon found myself longing for someone else to pass the time with.  The beauty in camping for me, I realized, is not in getting to connect with nature and get away from the distractions of life.  No, for me, the true joy of camping comes from sharing all that with those I love.  My soul needs human connection.  I'm not sure why I thought I could go without it.

As I mentioned, my mother did save me on that trip.  She and my father just so happened to have a weekend trip planned while I was on vacation, though I know she did it just so she could feel like she was there if I needed help.  The last few nights of my vacation were spent with them, in their hotel.  Enjoying the luxuries of being a family; connecting with the humanity in my being.  This is what I needed to figure out.  I have no doubt I can take care of myself and don't need anyone else to survive.  I choose not to be alone because I do need others in my life to thrive.